I feel like my life is so boring. I think I'm in a rut, because in the grand scheme of things, i don't have a bad life, nor do i hate my life. It is just very boring and seems to drag on.
I go to school, work, and go to the gym/run. My favourite part of the day is when I'm eating and also when I'm watching tv. i guess thats how my binge eating started. I love the feeling of stuffing my face and being so full that i finally feel complete because i can't physically eat anymore.
I feel like i need a hobby I'm passionate at, or a new job that i love. Just something that i can look forward to.
Ive also been spending a lot more money lately and i did this in the summer as well. When food wasn't fulfilling me enough or when i was trying not to binge, i turned to spending a lot of money.
I have a bf, we have been dating for 4 months now, its a really boring relationship and we usually hangout once a week since I'm usually busy, or because i want to just watch tv and stay home, and even when we have plans to hangout, i care less whether we actually hangout or not.
I have 1 best friend from high school, but now we hangout about once a month, at first we use to make sure we hangout at least once every 2 weeks but it was completely forced, and we only did it since neither one of us wanted to admit we were losing our friendship. But now we realize that we both don't really enjoy hanging out anymore because we have nothing to talk about or nothing really to do or say.
My other 2 friends in university are both very busy and so we hardly see each other. Maybe once a month if that..
I love my family, and i love my dogs, but other than that, i feel like i have nothing.
I am partly vegan, i say partly because i can't commit to it 100% with my binge eating ( when i binge i usually eat ice cream and chocolate and baking, which has eggs, milk, and butter in it), but other than that, i am 80% vegan. So i have that passion. I wish i could be 100% because having strong ethical feelings toward being a vegan but not eating that way 100% of the time, conflicts your values, and makes me feel uneasy and bad.
I want to join this vegan meetup dinner thing we have in our city but i am super nervous to go since i have no one to go with. I know that once i go, i would have fun and meet new ppl who could maybe encouarge me to go 100% vegan. ..
I really hope i have the courage to go this saturday. I keep telling myself that "before you die, you will only regret the things you didn't do, not the things you did to"
Monday 16 March 2015
Tuesday 3 March 2015
Update on day 5
I ended up eating crappy, and almost turning it into a binge. I could tell that sometime today i might crack, and i did. I ended up having some crackers and hummus, but then had a dairy milk chocolate bar, another chocolate bar, and two pieces of cinnamon raisin toast. it wasn't a full on binge, but i ate this when i was already stuffed from my lunch i had an hour prior. So i was a little disappointed i had the 2 chocolate bars. Other than that, i did okay.
I will try again tomorrow :)
The rest of the day i continued eating as normal. Having spaghetti with my family for dinner and then an apple as a snack at 7. My goal was to eat 2500 calories today but ended up eating 3000 because of the chocolate bars.
But i am not mad at myself, i just want to be better tomorrow. And i will continue trying to be better not just in the things i eat, but for my overall health. And that includes happiness because a happy person is more likely to be healthy. I want to eat well for my health and happiness, not for looks.
I will try again tomorrow :)
The rest of the day i continued eating as normal. Having spaghetti with my family for dinner and then an apple as a snack at 7. My goal was to eat 2500 calories today but ended up eating 3000 because of the chocolate bars.
But i am not mad at myself, i just want to be better tomorrow. And i will continue trying to be better not just in the things i eat, but for my overall health. And that includes happiness because a happy person is more likely to be healthy. I want to eat well for my health and happiness, not for looks.
Binge Eating
I am home alone today on my day off and am trying to ward off the cravings of a binge. Ive been binging since September 2013 when i changed my diet. I ate the same meals and snacks, but i limited myself from eating junked everyday to only twice a week. It worked, i felt better, and i lost 15 pounds (at the same time i was training for my first full marathon, i previously have done 5 half marathons in the years prior). (i went from 142lbs to 127lbs)
Everything was going great except for the fact that i used those 2 days a week to eat all the chocolate and ice cream and cookies i wanted that i was deprived from during the week. I have always had a sweet tooth so i use to eat this stuff everyday, but only a serving (3 cookies with milk, or a bowl of ice cream after dinner).
But now, i was eating 6 cookies, a bowl of cereal, half a bag of chips, a chocolate bar, a muffin, ect. All in one sitting. I did this continually twice a week from september 2013 till june 2014. Then in June, i stopped running and took a break from eating "healthy". This is where it got way worse, i started binging everyday, and if not a full blown binge, then i would for sure eat junk food.
Then from june 2014 till presently march 2015, i gained 23lbs (127lbs to now 150lbs).
I started running again and training for a half marathon in january, but my diet was still the same (healthy meals but junk food/binging everyday). Then on Feb.27th,2015, i decided to stop binging and get back to where i was before, except without the binging. I don't really care how much i weigh, but i want to feel like i can run without feeling weighed down, my ideal weight for running would probably be 135lbs, because when you are heavier, its harder to run since you run slower. So my ideal weight would be to lose 15 pounds but more importantly, i want to stop binging.
I started tracking my calories since i was curious, and i know i eat a lot (average 3000calories of healthy good food). I am one of those people who believe you can eat a lot/whenever your hungry and won't gain weight if you eat the right kinds of food. I am vegan so i eat mainly, grains (rice, pasta), fruits, sweet potatos, veggies, beans/lentils, and homemade chilli. i ate between 3000 and 3500 calories a day without my binges this past week. My goal is to eat around 2500 calories and no binges. I have been successful for 4 days (since friday, and today is tuesday).
But i am struggling today since i feel like binging. I also felt like binging yesturday but i was able to curve my cravings with an apple, dark chocolate, and pineapple.
I am unfortunately at the point in my life where i can't even have a little of crap/junk food or else i will want to binge. So the cookies, cakes, and milk chocolate in my house was bugging me and making me want to give in.
(also, although i am mainly vegan, i am not 100%, i will eat junk food that has milk ingredients, and baking that has eggs and butter, so i call myself 80% vegan- i usually only eat this stuff when i binge, or else normally i would call myself 90% vegan, with only a few none vegan things)
One reason i tell myself its okay to binge is because I've tried so many times to stop and i know that i always give in sooner or later, so i tell myself, i might as well binge because i will probably give in tomorrow anyways. But this is where i have to change my mindset. Yes I've tried to quit binging before and it hasn't worked yet (for a year and a half) but that doesn't mean i should stop trying. I have to use strategies to help myself not binge today or tomorrow. I am not going to blame it on will power because i realize there are other factors that play a role, and its not 100% my lack of will power. I know that it is not because i am calorie deficient since i eat a lot of good food, but it is my mindset that i am so strict and it is all the temptations in my house. So while i can't change the temptations, i am going to try and be less strict and try each day to eat good, but when i really want something, i will try other things (pineapple, and then gum has been working), but if that doesn't work then i will allow myself a little but of what ever iam craving and then get myself to do something to keep me busy.
I decided to blog right now because i just had lunch and i was almost ready to have a binge, and since i am home all day today, i feel like i will have many more cravings during the day but i want to try hard to not give in, and try all of the strategies to stop myself. at the end of the day, if i really want something, i will have a little and then get out of the house or distract myself from turning it into a binge.
Wish me luck.
Day 5... i believe in myself. If i fail, then i will just pick myself up and try again.
Everything was going great except for the fact that i used those 2 days a week to eat all the chocolate and ice cream and cookies i wanted that i was deprived from during the week. I have always had a sweet tooth so i use to eat this stuff everyday, but only a serving (3 cookies with milk, or a bowl of ice cream after dinner).
But now, i was eating 6 cookies, a bowl of cereal, half a bag of chips, a chocolate bar, a muffin, ect. All in one sitting. I did this continually twice a week from september 2013 till june 2014. Then in June, i stopped running and took a break from eating "healthy". This is where it got way worse, i started binging everyday, and if not a full blown binge, then i would for sure eat junk food.
Then from june 2014 till presently march 2015, i gained 23lbs (127lbs to now 150lbs).
I started running again and training for a half marathon in january, but my diet was still the same (healthy meals but junk food/binging everyday). Then on Feb.27th,2015, i decided to stop binging and get back to where i was before, except without the binging. I don't really care how much i weigh, but i want to feel like i can run without feeling weighed down, my ideal weight for running would probably be 135lbs, because when you are heavier, its harder to run since you run slower. So my ideal weight would be to lose 15 pounds but more importantly, i want to stop binging.
I started tracking my calories since i was curious, and i know i eat a lot (average 3000calories of healthy good food). I am one of those people who believe you can eat a lot/whenever your hungry and won't gain weight if you eat the right kinds of food. I am vegan so i eat mainly, grains (rice, pasta), fruits, sweet potatos, veggies, beans/lentils, and homemade chilli. i ate between 3000 and 3500 calories a day without my binges this past week. My goal is to eat around 2500 calories and no binges. I have been successful for 4 days (since friday, and today is tuesday).
But i am struggling today since i feel like binging. I also felt like binging yesturday but i was able to curve my cravings with an apple, dark chocolate, and pineapple.
I am unfortunately at the point in my life where i can't even have a little of crap/junk food or else i will want to binge. So the cookies, cakes, and milk chocolate in my house was bugging me and making me want to give in.
(also, although i am mainly vegan, i am not 100%, i will eat junk food that has milk ingredients, and baking that has eggs and butter, so i call myself 80% vegan- i usually only eat this stuff when i binge, or else normally i would call myself 90% vegan, with only a few none vegan things)
One reason i tell myself its okay to binge is because I've tried so many times to stop and i know that i always give in sooner or later, so i tell myself, i might as well binge because i will probably give in tomorrow anyways. But this is where i have to change my mindset. Yes I've tried to quit binging before and it hasn't worked yet (for a year and a half) but that doesn't mean i should stop trying. I have to use strategies to help myself not binge today or tomorrow. I am not going to blame it on will power because i realize there are other factors that play a role, and its not 100% my lack of will power. I know that it is not because i am calorie deficient since i eat a lot of good food, but it is my mindset that i am so strict and it is all the temptations in my house. So while i can't change the temptations, i am going to try and be less strict and try each day to eat good, but when i really want something, i will try other things (pineapple, and then gum has been working), but if that doesn't work then i will allow myself a little but of what ever iam craving and then get myself to do something to keep me busy.
I decided to blog right now because i just had lunch and i was almost ready to have a binge, and since i am home all day today, i feel like i will have many more cravings during the day but i want to try hard to not give in, and try all of the strategies to stop myself. at the end of the day, if i really want something, i will have a little and then get out of the house or distract myself from turning it into a binge.
Wish me luck.
Day 5... i believe in myself. If i fail, then i will just pick myself up and try again.
Friday 6 February 2015
Living with Acne
I have acne. Im a 20 year old female, and i have had acne for 7 years. Your self esteem suffers when you have acne. Its not the hardest thing in life to go through, but it is one of those things that slowly chip away at your self confidence. Every day you look in the mirror and your reminded of your blotchy complexion. Every time you turn on your tv, you see models and actors with flawless skin. And every where you look and anyone you ask will give you one answer if you bring up acne. The solution is Proactive or any of those other face cleansers.
But why? yes i have acne, but why do i have to spend money and time on something as superficial as my skin? Yes clear skin is usually a sign of health, so doesn't that mean it is something internally wrong that is causing my acne? Probably. I eat 80% healthy (i am primarily a vegan), however, i suffered from binge eating last year, and now i just overeat on chocolate and cookies. Never to the point where it is a full binge, but just to the point where everyday i have to have my fix of junk food or else i feel empty and sad and bored with my life.
So, it probably is my diet that is causing my acne, but regardless, i have to change something internal in order to stop eating the way i do, and that will change my skin. But by buying products that are said will stop breakouts and clear up my acne of superficial reasons is retarded. Im sorry but i am not going to pay money to cover something up externally instead of fixing the problem internally.
There is a reason why i binge eat (which i believe causes my acne). Buying expensive products and washing my face every morning and night is not going to fix the problem. It may make it better, but that is just a superficial coverup.
Im so tired of everyone thinking that if you have acne and you are a girl, then that automatically means that you have to be buying face washes to try and find what works for you and in the mean time, you have to wear makeup to cover it up.
I have had acne for 7 years, and 3 years ago i slowly started wearing it less. I went from wearing it everyday, to wearing it 5 days a week, and then to 4 and then to 2. And now I'm at the point where i only wear it maybe once a month when i go out with my friends or when I'm having a really bad skin day. But last week, i finally threw out all my makeup but 2 items. a BB cream and a powder (just in case if one day i needed it).
But I'm learning that the problem is my self confidence and my inner beauty. not the outer beauty.
I don't want to promote or support our vain society, or support consumerism. I want to support inner beauty and happiness.
The main reason i feel so strongly about this is because people can't change the way they look. They can change their hair or put makeup on or wear more flattering clothes, but they can't fundamentally change how they look. So why the hell are we putting so much emphasis on something we have no control over????? Stop judging people by the way they look and start judging them by the way they carry themselves and their true beauty, the way they treat others. Look and see if they have a beautiful soul not a beautiful face.
<3 simply happy
But why? yes i have acne, but why do i have to spend money and time on something as superficial as my skin? Yes clear skin is usually a sign of health, so doesn't that mean it is something internally wrong that is causing my acne? Probably. I eat 80% healthy (i am primarily a vegan), however, i suffered from binge eating last year, and now i just overeat on chocolate and cookies. Never to the point where it is a full binge, but just to the point where everyday i have to have my fix of junk food or else i feel empty and sad and bored with my life.
So, it probably is my diet that is causing my acne, but regardless, i have to change something internal in order to stop eating the way i do, and that will change my skin. But by buying products that are said will stop breakouts and clear up my acne of superficial reasons is retarded. Im sorry but i am not going to pay money to cover something up externally instead of fixing the problem internally.
There is a reason why i binge eat (which i believe causes my acne). Buying expensive products and washing my face every morning and night is not going to fix the problem. It may make it better, but that is just a superficial coverup.
Im so tired of everyone thinking that if you have acne and you are a girl, then that automatically means that you have to be buying face washes to try and find what works for you and in the mean time, you have to wear makeup to cover it up.
I have had acne for 7 years, and 3 years ago i slowly started wearing it less. I went from wearing it everyday, to wearing it 5 days a week, and then to 4 and then to 2. And now I'm at the point where i only wear it maybe once a month when i go out with my friends or when I'm having a really bad skin day. But last week, i finally threw out all my makeup but 2 items. a BB cream and a powder (just in case if one day i needed it).
But I'm learning that the problem is my self confidence and my inner beauty. not the outer beauty.
I don't want to promote or support our vain society, or support consumerism. I want to support inner beauty and happiness.
The main reason i feel so strongly about this is because people can't change the way they look. They can change their hair or put makeup on or wear more flattering clothes, but they can't fundamentally change how they look. So why the hell are we putting so much emphasis on something we have no control over????? Stop judging people by the way they look and start judging them by the way they carry themselves and their true beauty, the way they treat others. Look and see if they have a beautiful soul not a beautiful face.
<3 simply happy
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